Blog 6: Date-a-base?!?!

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Blog 5: Taking 'one' for England!

... can't believe how quickly Army boy, Jimmy, has replied and here's what he says ...

“my pleasure.. i think you are gorgeous.. and yes.. a naughty rash... the naughtiest rash you could imagine lol.. oh my, the things i would do ;-) .. i bet you can do some things too.. ;-) xxx”

Ok, feeling really smug now, I’ve got me a 25 year old army boy who thinks I’m gorgeous … me?... gorgeous … ha! Yo babes, I’ve still got it! (As I dance around my kitchen.)

The words “get a fucking grip” are resounding in my head. But ...

Oh my life … a 50 year old Johnny Vegas look-alike has just asked if I want to get on webcam with him now?  It’s bloody midday … ! I’m thinking about making a cup of tea not sweaty, sleazy testicles on display. Ugh!

Back to GI Jimmy, as I’ve now named him. Hmmm, what shall I say ….how should I respond ... Ooo, how about …

Your pleasure is my pleasure ... ha ha ... ;- So what 'things' would you 'do' to me? xXx

Pretty inspired, no? (Meanwhile, iTunes is playing Elvis’s song ‘Don’t’ …errr is he trying to tell me something?) Re-focus girl!

Reality Check ...

What am I thinking? GI Jimmy is 25 ... TWENTY FIVE ... as in, could be the fruit of my womb. Did I not listen to myself in blog 3?  Oh shitzenberger, he's replied ...

·        oh myyyyyy... i have that beautiful little body in some sexy lingerie.. and lick your tight little pussy for hours while you suck my big hard cock.. then after i would have you bent over so i can admire your arse while i fuck you over and over.. do you like to suck cock ? i love a woman who really knows how to suck a cock.. ;) xxx

Well I did ask!! 

FLUSTERED!!!!

Ok, in the spirit of adventure, I've taken one for England with GI Jimmy but here's where it ends. No, no, no ... I absolutely can't 'do' 25 year old boys. 

Time to re-set my age filters and forget feelings of guilt!

Blog 4: Guilty Pleasure? ... Guilty Pleasure? ...

Hands up! I'm officially an idiot. 

Since my last blog on the subject of 'filtering' people out, I felt soooo guilty about it that I removed all filters bar profile photos. Why? Why? Why? (She says, retrospectively!)

Is it my fault that memories of being in the school playground came flooding back? You know, when you desperately wanted to be picked on the team ...but NO ONE picks you. That terrifying moment when you realise that you are either really bad at sport or ...worse still ... seriously unpopular. (Unhappy face!)

Great, I'm now reviewing 149 messages in my Inbox ...phew ...time for a cup of tea.

Blow me! The Inbox has shot up to 201 ...how? What? I'm in turmoil. I'll never be able to reply to all of them. Ok, I need to ....aaaargh shit ..shit and double shit ... Brendon's profile is nothing but an erect penis! I can't look. Well, actually, I can but...do I want to??? (I'd forgotten all about the Smorgasbord!)

Right, seeing as there isn't a filtering system for 'cock shots', I'm going to instigate my own rule. No reviewing any profiles that are just a cock. Yep, that seems sensible to me. Although, JESUS CHRIST, could they be more varied???

Hats off to you guys!

No, no, no ...focus, focus, focus!

215 messages and I've plucked up the courage to reply to Jimmy who says “you are simply outstanding.. seriously beautiful.. id be all over you like a rash ;) x”

I reply with “LOL! Thank you for the compliment ... nappy rash or naughty rash?”  ...I click send. Oh dear God, is that too crass? Will he get what I mean? After all, he is only 25 years old :-) and in a spanking good British Army uniform.  

[Note to self, I seriously need to address my hormones.]

Holy piddle & poo, Batman, he's replied within 7 seconds ....

Blog 3:Filtering The Good, The Bad & The Ugly!

I'm like the Lone Ranger. 

Me versus laptop. 

Face-to-face, we square up to each other. 

I flex my fingers and place them on the keys. 

Prizing my eyes open, I force myself to focus on my Cock infested Inbox.

[The music from the film, The Good, The Bad & The Ugly echoes in my ears as some virtual tumble weed crosses my path.]

Dismissively shaking my head, I note there are over 1,000 winks, messages and favourites awaiting some sort of reply from me. Gulp, no pressure!?

Feeling flattered but very shocked, I read the instructions on how to filter inappropriate correspondents. It says, 'Filter your messages, winks and gifts to focus on the people that matter to you.'  (In teeny tiny print.) Can I just say, 'everyone' matters to me. If someone has taken the trouble to write, I'm genuinely grateful.

Where do I start?

Easy - let's put an age restriction to eliminate young men who could actually be the fruit of my womb!

NEXT!

Are you only interested in men who have a photo? (That's pretty fair and reasonable, isn't it?) I set this to YES, only men with photos.

The final box asks, Men who live no more than X miles from you.

Look, I'm a woman. Can I do weights and measures? No, I can't!

If the man with the lynx deodorant spray hadn't placed it next to his cock, I doubt I'd have known what an inadequate cock is! Oooops! (That's mean, isn't it?)

Ok, look, I'm flushed with the excitement of filtering fun. My filtering system is now in place. Reflecting a simple moral code of no young boys or grand-dads, Homely Girl's job is done.

Time to view my Inbox under the new parameters.

WOO HOO!

Blog 2: A Smorgasbord of Cock?!

It's the day after 'Homely Girl seeks Cumly Boy!' and the Cougar Date site is calling. Oooooo, goodness and golly-gosh! As butterflies leap around my stomach and thoughts rush through my head, I invite you to enter the mind of Homely Girl ...

Will anyone like me? 

Will anyone have written to me?

Will I have the courage to log on!?

A knock at the door ...knock, knock. 

Who's there? ..... Sister. 

Sister who? .... Sister supports shit-scared sibling during time of need!!

In a bid to prepare said sister on what may lie ahead, I start waffling whilst I carefully click through the necessary username and password. And then, hey presto, right before our very eyes ...a buffet, nay, a  Smörgåsbord* of cocks light up my laptop like a Christmas tree!

Hard cocks, soft cocks, big cocks, small cocks ...cocks with reference material such as a can of Lynx next to it. Cocks to the left, cocks to the right, cock in hand. Cocks cumming, cocks in jocks, cocks up bums, cocks in tits, cocks spurting giz ...cocks! (...and breathe ...)

God love my sister!  Sucking in her breath, she nudges me and says, "Hm, that one looks quite nice". No! No! No! Noooooooo! I do not want to hear my very married, very much older and so much wiser sister encouraging me to write to a COCK!

Tea?, I say, on a rising note of panic. Biscuit? (affirmative nod to her) ...as I discretely close my laptop.

Methinks it's time to enforce a strict filtering system. Over 100 cocks in 24-hours is a little overwhelming for any girl, let alone a Homely Girl.

Let's see what tomorrow brings ... ???

[* Smörgåsbord is a type of Scandinavian meal served buffet-style with multiple dishes of various foods on a table, originating in Sweden.]

Blog 1: Homely Girl seeks Cumly Boy!

Running through the house to retrieve the screaming phone in the living room, I crash into the rock hard leather sofa, turning my nimble move into a car crash from hell.

Mid car crash, I grab the phone and answer whilst trying to keep a flustered tone out of my voice ...and rubbing the red whealt on my leg that is fast turning bruised and black!

I'm delighted to hear the sprightly tones of Jo, a recent divorcee who's story is far too ugly to repeat now, extolling the virtues of the latest website she's heard about but can't access. Oh, ok, now would be the time to explain that Jo is a mine of information but an absolute nightmare when it comes to computer literacy. Resulting in me being her virtual computer administrator!

"I've heard about this dating website" she says, "that is guaranteed to get us back out there." Chuckling, I manage a rather nervous "We?". Yes, she says, for the first time the other day, I actually noticed another man ... who wasn't my husband! (Said with a tone of great revelation.)

Deciding that her hormones were finally kicking-in now that she's officially single, she wanted me to review said site and see if it is worth registering on. Dutifully, I type the address into my laptop and await the page to build.

Ok, I say, sucking in my breath. On first appearance, it looks quite legitimate and ...actually rather well done. Great, she says, what do I have to do?

First, you have to register a username ...who do you want to be? You don't want to be Jo! Try something that describes you but isn't you ...if you get what I mean. Hmmm, says Jo, can't think of anything, how do you describe someone who hasn't left the house for 10 years??? Ah, I say, how about ...Homely Girl?

Username sorted = Homely Girl.

Password? Easy, we both went to the same school together ...it's a done deal.

Upload a photo? Hmmm, not quite so easy. I know, I say, how about I upload one of mine for now that doesn't really look like me and see what kind of interest we get??? Agreed!

Write a sentence about yourself. Dissolving into fits of giggles, many a cheeky sentence is uttered. Well come on, we have known each since school!? I had to have some sort of micky taking.

The final thing .... I (not Jo) am now registered on CougarDate under the name of Homely Girl with my photo and the cheeky descriptive sentence ....Homely Girl seeks Cumly Boy!

Crying with laughter, we end the call and I log-off thinking no more of it ...until ... I next see my email Inbox ...