Blog 16: Lacy Lingo for Lingerie Larry

Can it be true? A man who can talk knowledgeably and informatively about bras, panties and suspender belts??? I think I've hit Le Jackpot!


My new chatting buddy is hypnotic in his understanding of cup sizes and silk stockings. All thoughts of Sailor Jerry have been well and truly erased. (Good job really, seeing as he is now at sea ... indefinitely!)



So, being the shallow, wanton Cougar that I am, I have decided to entertain the man who works in the lacy underworld of ribbons and frills and make  Lingerie Larry (not his real name) my next conquest.

Before I do, I feel the need to review my achievements thus far:-

No. 1.  Inadvertently made myself an online Cougar.
No. 2.  Made executive decisions regarding age & experience for potential suitors.
No. 3.  Achieved contact via Cougar mail.
No. 4.  Enjoyed sms pleasure.
No. 5.  Scored a date.
No. 6.  Achieved 'cum hungry whore' status!

I'm thinking it's high time I achieved a whole lot more and Lingerie Larry looks set to fulfil my next mission. (May the Corset be with you.)

Text *** Text *** Text

Tee hee ... I don't know how this has happened, but I've just agreed to meet Lingerie Larry for a date in nothing but fur coat; no knickers!

Did not see that one coming ha ha!

Blog 15: Fallen Angel?

*** M I S S I O N   A C C O M P L I S H E D ***

I've done it! ...
I had my first 'meet' ... I'm still alive ....&...I loved every minute!

Phew! Totally flushed with the excitement of my dating success.

I feel like a cross between a 'wanton hussy' and a 'fallen angel'!

.... and it feels GOOD ...

If I feel this good after the first attempt ... just imagine how I'll feel after the second???

Feverishly, I tap away at my keyboard, addicted to being online ... morning, noon & night!  My mental fix is the merest thought of ... what next? ... who next? ... and when???

Meanwhile, deep (deep) down inside, I have a massive girly admittance ...
[in a breathy whisper, I say] ... I think I've fallen in 'love' with Sailor Jerry!!!

.... FALLEN? ... hook, line and sinker ...

(horrific angling metaphor when describing love pangs for a navy boy who (apparently) has been a member of the 'Dead Hand Gang' ...anyone? ...anyone??)

Weeeeell he is my first ... and who doesn't fall for their 'first' eh?

 No! No! No! ... and again ... NO! This is not supposed to happen. I am a mature, independent Cougar who laughs in the face of romance and positively writhes to the rhythm of life ;-)

I need to get a grip!

Incidentally, did I tell you my six reasons for dating a sailor? Ha ha!

1. They'll always float your boat.
2. They know how to shiver ya timbers.
3. They know how to make a motion in your ocean.
4. They know what to do when things get rough ... and ...
5. It's always Women and Children first. But best of all ...
6. There's THE UNIFORM!

Oh 'hello', who do we have chatting online? Larry ... who works for a well known ladies underwear company.  Hmmmm, any man who can talk knowledgeably on lacy lingerie and saucy stockings is my kind of man.

Although, thinking practically for a second, I think my next 'mission' should include penetrative sex ... or is that just being down right demanding? No, decision made, after a fun filled time with Sailor Jerry, it is now time to play with the big boys (as it were!). Maybe, Lingerie Larry will be the one to go where no man's been for a very, very long time ;-)

Blog 14: All Aboard The Good Ship Lollipop!

Taking him fully in my mouth, I suck on his Good Ship Lollipop and look him square in the eyes.

With painstaking effort, Sailor Jerry manages to focus enough to ask what the 'minor problem' is.

"I'm flying the red menstrual flag for England", I manage to mutter.

"Oh. That's ok. I'm sure we can work around that", he says.

I'm thinking, trust me, you really don't want to work around my menstrual flow!

 ...Oh God! What a bloody rookie error? Here I am, on my first raunchy meet and I go and stuff the whole thing up by forgetting to review my menstrual calendar ... doh!


Meanwhile, this wonderful, exciting and somewhat good-looking man has just driven 6 hours to see me ... on a promise! 

Taking the bull by the horns, and in a bid to look cool and calm, I grab my leather belt and continue tying him to the bed. Tormenting him in a playful manner, I find myself perusing the 'condiments' table and without thinking, I place the mini teapot on his tummy ...it looks totally incongruous ... and yet ... very funny.

Hmmm, it's at this point I think the devil may have jumped inside my body because before I knew it, sachets of sugar were being rubbed into beautifully shaven genitalia. Now let me see, there's one thing missing??? I know! ... A PHOTO!!!!

To say we laughed and giggled our way through the most amazing time, is an understatement. However, after much fun and frolics, an urgency took hold and with me on my knees and Sailor standing in front of me ... he cums in my mouth.

Later, as we wait for our sweat to dry and heart beats to return to normal, I say "correct me if I'm wrong, but did you call me a 'cum hungry whore' as you gizzed in my mouth?"

Chuckling breathlessly he says, "yes, is one offended?"

"Baby," I say, "you can call me CUM HUNGRY WHORE any time you like" ha ha!

Blog 13: Unlucky for some ...

Stripped down to nothing but what nature gave him, I command Sailor Jerry to lie on the bed.

Picking up my kit bag, I pull out THE CHAIN and chain him to the wooden post.

"Stay there", I command. "Don't move. I'll be back in a minute."

Walking into the ample bathroom I open up my kit bag and set-out my wares - ready for action!

Taking a moment to listen at the door, I ask the sailor if he's ok. Yes, he says. Yes what?, I demand. Yes, Mistress! [Good little sailor boy!]

Giggling to myself, I unhook my basque, remove my fishnet tights and replace them with long black stockings with a red bow at the top, lacey black panties and a mega lift and squoosh black lacey bra.

Taking a moment to 'visit' the bathroom. I finish and freshen all departments with a quick wash and a spray of some hedonistic scent guaranteed to send the Sailor over the edge of reason!!

Walking to the edge of the bed, I lean over and feather kisses all over his face.
Pushing his legs apart, I kneel between them as I stroke his body.
Leaning back, I remove a stocking and place it around his hard cock.
Removing the second stocking, I lean forward and tie it around his eyes ...blindfold.
Straddling him, I run my nails gently down his chest and say ....

"Minor problem. I see it as a minor problem. I'm hoping you do too???"

Blog 12: Whips & Chains ...

*** STOP PRESS *** STOP PRESS *** STOP PRESS *** STOP PRESS *** STOP PRESS

THIS IS IT! 

My first ever meet!

I'm dressed for the part.


Fishnets ... basque ...slutty heels ... 
what more could a sailor ask for?

A whip?  ... check!
Chain? ... check!


I make my way to the agreed rendez-vous point. In a fit of nerves, I call him as I walk the final few steps and turn a corner ... 'I can see you', he says. He gasps, loudly, 'Oh my God! You are gorgeous!', he exclaims.

We fall into each others arms and hands are EVERYWHERE!

I bundle myself into the passenger seat and, in a bid to be slightly responsible, I ask if I can sms his numberplate to my best friend ... (as he rams his hands between my thighs!).

Running into the room, I fling my kit bag on the four poster and exclaim my pleasure at our romantic setting. Openly teasing him for having fully unpacked all his toiletries in the en-suite bathroom, I command him to kneel on the chaise at the foot of the bed.

Climbing on the bed, I sit in front of him.  Gently leaning back, I open my legs and place a black stiletto on his left shoulder. He goes to touch me ...'ah, ah, ah!', I say 'no touchy ...sailor boy ... just looky!'. [He gasps!]

Raising my right leg, I press the sharp heal into his chest and command him to undo the buckle on my slutty shoes. He deftly removes them and returns his arms back to his sides in an obedient kneeling military 'attention'.

Wiping my toes over his mouth, I allow him to kiss, but not touch, his way around my foot ... down my calf ... behind my knee and up the back of my thigh.

We repeat the process on the other leg ...

We are mutually absolutely loving the experience.

'Take your top off, sailor', I say.

He does.

'Nice!', I gasp!

'Stand up, Sailor and remove those jeans ... NOW!'

Blog 11: Soapy Suds for Sailor Jerry ...

**********************************************

I'm in the bath.

[JOKE - couple in the tub. One says, 'Where's the soap?'
The other says, 'It does doesn't it!']

He's in the car.

**********************************************

Sailor Jerry has been on the road for 4 out of 6 hours. 

Our text messages gather momentum.

He's thinking of me.  I'm scrubbing my back.

I'm thinking of him.  He's trying to focus on the road (and not on his throbbing cock).

We are as excited as each other!

The seconds melt away as I scrub, smooth and moisturise myself for him.

My lovely sailor has come up trumps. 

He's only gone and booked a romantic retreat in the country .....

......with a sodding four poster bed in it.

YES!

* * *   A FOUR POSTER BED!!!! * * *

Holy shit ..he's sent me a photo from the room.  It looks like THIS ......

I'm soooo gonna do some damage to that bed!

Blog 10: Aye Aye Popeye!

Me and Sailor Jerry are riding on the crest of a wave. Not only have we  progressed to talking on the phone; but we've agreed that ...

I like him.

He likes me.

Let's get together and see what we see!!!

OMG! He's agreed to drive from the South Coast for 6 hours in order to meet up with his naughty little Vixen Sea Cadet ...LOL!

KINKY OUTFIT?

'Sorted!'

Cheeky obedience lessons are now required ... hmmmm ... now, let me see ... how does one salute a sailor???  Come to think of it, how's does one salute full-stop???

  

Quick phone call to forces friend for inside information. Call goes something like this ...

Me: "Hello, Special Agent X, sea cadet HG here. Need your help."

Him: [sigh] "Whaaaat?"

Me: "Er, would you be willing to show me your salute?" [yes, I did snigger cheekily!]

Him: [stoney silence]

Me: "Okay, guessing you aren't going to entertain THAT conversation." [adopting a little girly voice] "Erm, is there a special procedure to executing the correct forces salute?" [Succinct question with gravitas]

Him: "Why?"

Me: "Chuh ... don't ask whyyyyyy, just tellll meeeeee" [yep, I adopted the "voice" again!]

Him: "They say, 'longest way up; shortest way down'." [we hang up]

"Ooooooo, INTERESTING!"

Cum 'ere sailor boy ...   my tongue is gonna show you ...
 longest way up; shortest way down ;-)

Blog 9: Easter Eggs Ahoy!

So, I give my number to sailor boy and await my first text. I wait ... 10 seconds has past. I wait ... 20 seconds has past. I wait ... ping ping ping ... YEEHAH ...he's replied!!!

First things first, save the number. But what do I save it under? Ah ha ... I know .. . how about Sailor Jerry? Yes! I like that. Sailor Jerry it is!

We chit and we chat. I'm liking what we're saying. Sailor Jerry is making me feel a million dollars. He's clearly done this before. And, what a pro?! I reckon I could learn a thing or two off this one ...ha ha!

I dare to send him a photo.
I pray he likes me. 

OMG! 

He really likes me!
He reciprocates! 

PHWOR!

All my Easter Eggs have arrived in one beautiful basket!!!

[There is a God ...and he wears Budgie Smugglers!]

Blog 7: Too Hot To Handle?

A weekend of flirting has slowed my blogging down, not to mention April Fool's Day. Ok, time to review my Inbox statistics = 240 ...

• Messages (126)
•  Winks (92)
• Gifts
•  Favourites (20)
• Support (2)

Feeling fearless in the face of all these admirers, I enter into dialogue with someone cunningly disguised under the 'handle' of WASABI.

LOL ... Wasabi? Isn't that some sort of hot horseradish-like sauce? Aaaaahhh, I get it .... right ...(head nodding moment). 

Ok, this could be the one to crack open my crackberry and enter into the land of spanking hot messages ...maybe ...even... photos!! I open the email and read ...

·        Dropping you a line from HomelyGirl ...........

To let you know that I have just joined the site and am looking to chat to fun fit men......why not come back to me and say hi! x x...and it claims to be sent from ME.  I am officially mortified.

The reply ..."droppin me a line dont bother pop round be much easyer were 3 miles apart an im part of a couple were not married but weve been together 26yrs now as good as she dont even look 26 yet shes like you so if ive mannaged to fuck her senceless enough to stop her wanting any other mans advances on her wich shes had so many im sure i could give you one of my sex marathons for sevral hours an who knows if you girls hit it off my traceys played before an tryed bi but not with all of my gf ive had but has with some why dont you pop over one evening for a social meet an have a few drinks an a chatt wiv us or just pop round in the day an ill fuck you silly an hour or two show you the electric lizzard as she calls me the fastest tongue in the west ha xx kevin an tracey say dont be shy cum say hi xx"

Question: Really ...would you?

Answer: Despite feeling like I want to educate the writer in grammar and spelling, I think I'll put this down to being an April Fool! ...it is ...isn't it???

Blog 6: Date-a-base?!?!

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Blog 5: Taking 'one' for England!

... can't believe how quickly Army boy, Jimmy, has replied and here's what he says ...

“my pleasure.. i think you are gorgeous.. and yes.. a naughty rash... the naughtiest rash you could imagine lol.. oh my, the things i would do ;-) .. i bet you can do some things too.. ;-) xxx”

Ok, feeling really smug now, I’ve got me a 25 year old army boy who thinks I’m gorgeous … me?... gorgeous … ha! Yo babes, I’ve still got it! (As I dance around my kitchen.)

The words “get a fucking grip” are resounding in my head. But ...

Oh my life … a 50 year old Johnny Vegas look-alike has just asked if I want to get on webcam with him now?  It’s bloody midday … ! I’m thinking about making a cup of tea not sweaty, sleazy testicles on display. Ugh!

Back to GI Jimmy, as I’ve now named him. Hmmm, what shall I say ….how should I respond ... Ooo, how about …

Your pleasure is my pleasure ... ha ha ... ;- So what 'things' would you 'do' to me? xXx

Pretty inspired, no? (Meanwhile, iTunes is playing Elvis’s song ‘Don’t’ …errr is he trying to tell me something?) Re-focus girl!

Reality Check ...

What am I thinking? GI Jimmy is 25 ... TWENTY FIVE ... as in, could be the fruit of my womb. Did I not listen to myself in blog 3?  Oh shitzenberger, he's replied ...

·        oh myyyyyy... i have that beautiful little body in some sexy lingerie.. and lick your tight little pussy for hours while you suck my big hard cock.. then after i would have you bent over so i can admire your arse while i fuck you over and over.. do you like to suck cock ? i love a woman who really knows how to suck a cock.. ;) xxx

Well I did ask!! 

FLUSTERED!!!!

Ok, in the spirit of adventure, I've taken one for England with GI Jimmy but here's where it ends. No, no, no ... I absolutely can't 'do' 25 year old boys. 

Time to re-set my age filters and forget feelings of guilt!

Blog 4: Guilty Pleasure? ... Guilty Pleasure? ...

Hands up! I'm officially an idiot. 

Since my last blog on the subject of 'filtering' people out, I felt soooo guilty about it that I removed all filters bar profile photos. Why? Why? Why? (She says, retrospectively!)

Is it my fault that memories of being in the school playground came flooding back? You know, when you desperately wanted to be picked on the team ...but NO ONE picks you. That terrifying moment when you realise that you are either really bad at sport or ...worse still ... seriously unpopular. (Unhappy face!)

Great, I'm now reviewing 149 messages in my Inbox ...phew ...time for a cup of tea.

Blow me! The Inbox has shot up to 201 ...how? What? I'm in turmoil. I'll never be able to reply to all of them. Ok, I need to ....aaaargh shit ..shit and double shit ... Brendon's profile is nothing but an erect penis! I can't look. Well, actually, I can but...do I want to??? (I'd forgotten all about the Smorgasbord!)

Right, seeing as there isn't a filtering system for 'cock shots', I'm going to instigate my own rule. No reviewing any profiles that are just a cock. Yep, that seems sensible to me. Although, JESUS CHRIST, could they be more varied???

Hats off to you guys!

No, no, no ...focus, focus, focus!

215 messages and I've plucked up the courage to reply to Jimmy who says “you are simply outstanding.. seriously beautiful.. id be all over you like a rash ;) x”

I reply with “LOL! Thank you for the compliment ... nappy rash or naughty rash?”  ...I click send. Oh dear God, is that too crass? Will he get what I mean? After all, he is only 25 years old :-) and in a spanking good British Army uniform.  

[Note to self, I seriously need to address my hormones.]

Holy piddle & poo, Batman, he's replied within 7 seconds ....

Blog 2: A Smorgasbord of Cock?!

It's the day after 'Homely Girl seeks Cumly Boy!' and the Cougar Date site is calling. Oooooo, goodness and golly-gosh! As butterflies leap around my stomach and thoughts rush through my head, I invite you to enter the mind of Homely Girl ...

Will anyone like me? 

Will anyone have written to me?

Will I have the courage to log on!?

A knock at the door ...knock, knock. 

Who's there? ..... Sister. 

Sister who? .... Sister supports shit-scared sibling during time of need!!

In a bid to prepare said sister on what may lie ahead, I start waffling whilst I carefully click through the necessary username and password. And then, hey presto, right before our very eyes ...a buffet, nay, a  Smörgåsbord* of cocks light up my laptop like a Christmas tree!

Hard cocks, soft cocks, big cocks, small cocks ...cocks with reference material such as a can of Lynx next to it. Cocks to the left, cocks to the right, cock in hand. Cocks cumming, cocks in jocks, cocks up bums, cocks in tits, cocks spurting giz ...cocks! (...and breathe ...)

God love my sister!  Sucking in her breath, she nudges me and says, "Hm, that one looks quite nice". No! No! No! Noooooooo! I do not want to hear my very married, very much older and so much wiser sister encouraging me to write to a COCK!

Tea?, I say, on a rising note of panic. Biscuit? (affirmative nod to her) ...as I discretely close my laptop.

Methinks it's time to enforce a strict filtering system. Over 100 cocks in 24-hours is a little overwhelming for any girl, let alone a Homely Girl.

Let's see what tomorrow brings ... ???

[* Smörgåsbord is a type of Scandinavian meal served buffet-style with multiple dishes of various foods on a table, originating in Sweden.]

Blog 1: Homely Girl seeks Cumly Boy!

Running through the house to retrieve the screaming phone in the living room, I crash into the rock hard leather sofa, turning my nimble move into a car crash from hell.

Mid car crash, I grab the phone and answer whilst trying to keep a flustered tone out of my voice ...and rubbing the red whealt on my leg that is fast turning bruised and black!

I'm delighted to hear the sprightly tones of Jo, a recent divorcee who's story is far too ugly to repeat now, extolling the virtues of the latest website she's heard about but can't access. Oh, ok, now would be the time to explain that Jo is a mine of information but an absolute nightmare when it comes to computer literacy. Resulting in me being her virtual computer administrator!

"I've heard about this dating website" she says, "that is guaranteed to get us back out there." Chuckling, I manage a rather nervous "We?". Yes, she says, for the first time the other day, I actually noticed another man ... who wasn't my husband! (Said with a tone of great revelation.)

Deciding that her hormones were finally kicking-in now that she's officially single, she wanted me to review said site and see if it is worth registering on. Dutifully, I type the address into my laptop and await the page to build.

Ok, I say, sucking in my breath. On first appearance, it looks quite legitimate and ...actually rather well done. Great, she says, what do I have to do?

First, you have to register a username ...who do you want to be? You don't want to be Jo! Try something that describes you but isn't you ...if you get what I mean. Hmmm, says Jo, can't think of anything, how do you describe someone who hasn't left the house for 10 years??? Ah, I say, how about ...Homely Girl?

Username sorted = Homely Girl.

Password? Easy, we both went to the same school together ...it's a done deal.

Upload a photo? Hmmm, not quite so easy. I know, I say, how about I upload one of mine for now that doesn't really look like me and see what kind of interest we get??? Agreed!

Write a sentence about yourself. Dissolving into fits of giggles, many a cheeky sentence is uttered. Well come on, we have known each since school!? I had to have some sort of micky taking.

The final thing .... I (not Jo) am now registered on CougarDate under the name of Homely Girl with my photo and the cheeky descriptive sentence ....Homely Girl seeks Cumly Boy!

Crying with laughter, we end the call and I log-off thinking no more of it ...until ... I next see my email Inbox ...